Caroline Elsa Nixon

Caroline,you were my big sister you were 14yrs in fact you had just turned 14yr the week before you left,i was 12yrs we fought like cat and dog!! whenever we fought i,d say to you "i wish you were dead" but caz i never ever meant it,it was just because you were always the clever one,you were liked alot more than me! i guess i was jealous,but we had a happy childhood,you developed a leaky heart valuve after having menigitis at 3 months,you were frequently in and out of hospital and i would take whatever you wanted up,we had a younger brother and sister and our older brother trevor who was in borstal,he was good at nicking stuff mainly from warehouses,i even remember trev saying,"i won,t ever nick from a house, or a shop i,ll keep doing the warehouse,s cuz there insured for alot more than i nick!!" we thought it was great,he never got caught and we always had plenty of sweets and goodies but of course he did get caught time and time again,until in the end he was sent to borstal,dad was in the army and mum worked at the naffi,she had to work,but we looked after sue and ray [our younger siblings]we were also memebers of the local church choir,in truth we only joined because we got paid!!, but we had many good laugh,s and sing songs.
It was the first week back at school,it was a friday night and we were playing by the stream,then suddenly you grabbed my arm,and it hurt,i looked at you and told you to let go because you were hurting me,you had a strange look on your face,and after a little while you told me not to tell mum cuz dad was away,i was scared you had never done this to me before but i had to promise not to tell mum,i forgot about it until your birthday,i went into your room it was a tuesday and you weren,t ready for school,i looked at you and just told mum caz isn,t well,so i went off to school and you were still in bed,i went into your room to see what you,d got but you haden,topened any of your presents,thats when i knew i had to tell mum,mum went to a lady at the end of our street her name was jean and her husband brian was in the australian army hence the reason they lived on the same estate,they were the only people we knew who had a car,so as usual mum got ready and you didn,t even put a dressing gown on you were taken to the local army hospital,that was the last time i ever saw you again,that was on a tuesday,mum told me i could stay off and make sure sue and ray got off to school which of course i lovbed as i wouldn,t have to go to school!! the following day i still haden,t seen mum it was on the saturday that finally mum came home,i asked where she,d been and where was caz? it was then mum told me you,d had your surgery,i was really happy finally you got what you always wanted, you could do whatever you wanted without being out of breath.i was really happy, years before when i was 9yrs i had a very big operation on my kidney i remember you saying when i have my op my scar will be bigger than your,s!! i guess that was sibling rivalry,now i was happy at last you wouldn,t have to keep going in and out of hospital,i told everyone caz has had her heart fixed,sadly i didn,t know then that you were in a coma and had not woke up,they found you were in a coma,then on the sunday i got an even bigger surprize!! dad turned up right outside our door all the kids were jealous cuz we lived oppersite a field and my dad was in a helicopter which was landing right by our house,!! it was great i was so pleased to see dad,he came in the house all i wanted to do was have a cuddle from our dad,but dad told me to go in the front room,all our friends were outside and they were told by a man to go away,i was still in the front room sue and ray were ready for bed,dad came in and gave them a cuddle,i couldn,t wait to tell dad about you caz,i m went for a cuddle dad told me to wait,i was pretty cheesed off i couldn,t understand why dad didn,t want to cuddle me! after what seemed like ages dad finally came into my bedroom it was your room but whenever you went into hospital i,d be allowed to stay in your room!!,dad gave me a great big cuddle and sat me down,[my name is maria but our parents called me and trevor buy our middle names! mine was sharon] so we were called caz and shaz,dad asked me what i knew about caz,i told him it,s great isn,t it dad? that was when he looked at me and said no sweetheart it isn,t,i couldn,t understand why he wasen,t happy that caz was better she finally had what she needed her operation? that was when he told me,when caroline was going to another hospital she stopped breathing for over 20 minutes and she may be a vegatable,i couldn,t take in what dad was trying to tell me i couldn,t understand why caz was going to another hospital,dad explained when mum had taken caz into hospital she was on her way home caroline had another attack,i have since found out that when you grabbed me you were having a heart attack how i wish i had never promised not to tell mum, the army hospital didn,t have the staff to do the surgey and you were rushed to a hospital called shortly bridge,once they finally got you out of the ambulance where a team of doctors were waiting to operate,they literally asked where dad was? mum told them he was on a tour of duty, the doctor explained they needed to get caz into theatre,mum signed the papers and off you went,i had been left to look after sue and ray,when mum didn,t come home i thought nothing off it and because dad was away alot and mum worked we self taught ourselves how to cook and all the other stuff we had to do,plus i got time off school!!
On the monday dad told me to go to school,i didn,t want to go to school,but dad was adament,so off i went to this day i don,t know why but i was in a great mood happy i told everyone that you had your op and you would be home soon,unbeknown to me,just before i got up our neighbour had come to our house we didn,t have a phone so mum,s friend let mum use her phone,at 6am the hospital had rung asking mum and dad to go straight to the hospital you had taken a turn for the worst and they advised that you and mum go straight away,so you thought it would be better if not only sue and ray but me go to school,so off i went,by the time mum and dad got to you it was too late you had gone,it was time to go back to god,
I got home from school to find neighbours cleaning our house,i was upset and basically threw them out even pusing mum,s best mate i was upset i couldn,t understand why they were there? then i saw the army landrover pull outside our house,my dad had always told us unless you were a soldier you couldn,t go in an army landrover, i looked outside our kitchen window thats when it hit me,i saw nana in the front passenger seat,then i saw our neighbours come out,i opened the dorr and saw mum,i asked her how is she? mum didn,t say anything then i looked at dad and in that brief moment i knew you were gone,i kept asking dad how is caz,dad told me get indoors,then i screamed, i screamed like i had never screamed before,i kept thinking if i don,t go into the house then caz will still be alive and come jumping out of the landrover telling me it was all a joke,then i saw nana who i never got on with,she told me go inside and for the first time in my life i defied her,everyone was looking at me,i remember shouting what are you looking at! the rest of that evening was filled with people coming in saying how sorry they were,then i saw the padre, padre paine i screamed at him don,t tell me god is real cuz he,s not! get out! he just sat there he never said a word ,i can remember that day like it was yesterday,i begged mum to let me say goodbye ,i begged her to let me come to your funeral, a prison van pulled up and two warders were there, trev was between them,a man pulled up in another car and told them,get that boy out of them cuffs,he then showed them some papers and trev just walked away from them into our house,he sayt down without saying a word,mum asked him if he wanted to go to the funeral? he said no, so he stayed behind even though i begged and pleaded she still wouldn,t let me say goodbye to you, right then and there i hated mum and if i,m honest i still resent her for that,i know i shouldn,t but i do.
That was many years ago,i haven,t had great health and i have had many surgerys and it is the thought of you that has kept me going even tho i,m having a rough time right now i pray to god that one day you,ll be there again playing pranks on everyone my brave special sister,i want you to know that it is the thought of what you went thru that has kept me going,my marriage of 22yrs has now broken up and i am going thru a tough divorce,your nephew my son callum [in alot of ways he reminds me of you] he is now having kidney problems,i just pray to god above that he won,t end up like me,kidney problems, caz i hope there is a heaven cuz if anyone deserved to go there it,s you,never once did you complain even when you had tough proceedure,s done,thank you caz you are one in a million sister and everyday i think of you and miss you so much so it,s the least i can do for you is to post this eulogy i thank god for sending a very very special angel that,s you my sis,
No more pain
No more fear
My special sis
You forgot
You left me here
I will never stop loving you,next month i,m hoping to come to see where you are,and finally get to say my goodbye,i love you always your sister shaz xx